


Five Times Five was a Little Shit, and 0 Times he Wasn't

by ToSeeAMarchingBand



Series: Umbrella Academy Shithole [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Allison gets called out, Allison is done with five, Excessive use of the word shit, Gen, I DON'T HATE ALLISON, I also don't love incest, I don't love Luther, I love Allison, Mainly from Allison, She just needed to get called out, This is almost a 5+1 fic, To call Allison out, but it's mentioned, but it's not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-18 22:31:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18127331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToSeeAMarchingBand/pseuds/ToSeeAMarchingBand
Summary: Five Hargreeves was a lot of things, but a mature and responsible adult was not one of them. A prick? Yes. A condescending 58 year old assassin stuck in a 13 year old’s body? Yes. Someone who got on every single one of Allison’s nerves and somehow still manage to be a loveable little brother? Yes. But, someone who could function in today’s society like he wasn’t raised in a cult? Absolutely not.Allison was tempted to rumor up this little shit some manners, but she decided against it, solely because he’d probably kill her in her sleep if she did.





	Five Times Five was a Little Shit, and 0 Times he Wasn't

 

~1~

“So what’s going on in your life right now?” He asked her one day when they were both sitting in a coffee shop waiting for Klaus to get his daily hit (way to go him, leaving alcohol and drugs behind only to get addicted to caffeine. At least it’s the lesser of the extremes), his eyes half lidded with an expression screaming ‘I’m only asking to make conversation, please don’t actually answer’. She did anyway.

“Well Patrick and Claire-“ she began, looking down at the latte in her hands, the foam art on top Instagram worthy. Too bad Allison deleted her account. What a shame. How unfortunate. Truly a tragedy.

“Who?” he rudely interrupted, not even looking a bit remorseful at the fact, his head leaning on his hand like a kid trying to find a comfortable position to nap in class without just flat out lying their head on the desk. She gave him her best ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed’ glare, (perks of being a mom) and continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

“My ex-husband and daughter, they-“ surprise, surprise, Five stopped her in her sentence again, this time leaning forward in his seat, fake shock written all over his face.

“You were married? And it didn’t work out? Allison what? I thought constantly taking advantage of your power to manipulate people wouldn’t have any consequences at ALL,” he said, his tone full of phony concern. The little shit. Klaus sat down next to them just as she started speaking.

“That’s rich, coming from you, ‘Mr. I-Tried-To-Time-Travel-At-Age-13-And-It-Landed-Me-In-The-Future-For-30-Years”

“And who here was pivotal in stopping the apocalypse because of that? Me,” he said, turning away from her like a child upset with his parent, sipping on his black coffee (read: chugging). Klaus looked at the two for a moment before shrugging, deciding that he wanted nothing to do with their dumb argument.

  
~2~

Allison had a high tolerance for stupid shit. She was a mother for crying out loud. She was used to dealing with bratty children who needed naps, that whined and threw temper tantrums (minus the using mind control on the child to get her to stop being a shit).

So yeah. She could deal with a lot of stuff. But somehow a drunk Five, she could not handle. Believe her, she’s tried, but somehow whenever the boy’s alcohol limit has been reached (and it doesn’t take a lot to reach, he’s 13), he’s a relentless asshole towards her (and everyone really, she’s just always the last one in the room, and she can’t just leave him ALONE).

“So when did you become such a slut?” he asked, his speech slurred as he came dangerously close to falling off the couch, an empty bottle of SOMETHING loosely clutched in his hand.

“Excuse me?” she asked in the tone only a mother has, one that can express all of the shock, disdain, and disappointment in two simple words.

He laughed, but his face immediately shifted to a serious one when he remembered that he was supposed to be insulting her. “Oh you know, how you were so- hic- desperate for someone to love you that you turned to your brother,” he laughed this time, mumbling something about incest, dropping the bottle on the ground, it slowly rolling towards the leg of the coffee table.

“Five you little shit-“ she barked, launching out of her seat, fully intending to strangle her brother, but was stopped in her tracks by Luther grabbing her (gently) and setting her back down in her chair. He gave her a motherly look, and Allison was immediately jealous that he managed to perfect it without even being a mom. It must have been the 4 years on the moon.

“Allison, think about what you’re doing,” he said, a warning look on his face. Allison sat down and sighed, her anger seeping out in waves. Therapy was doing her wonders.

“Like you did when you locked Vanya up?” Five asked him from the couch, his head and half of his chest leaning off and just as close to falling on the ground like the bottle was earlier. Luther looked constipated when he was called out, and Allison almost laughed. Almost. She was more mature than Five, his 28 years on her be damned.

“You little shit,” he said, glaring at the now unconscious boy on the couch. This time Allison was the one holding HIM back.

~3~

As it turns out, getting the silent treatment from Five was not nearly as blissful as Allison had hoped. Instead of receiving glares and him jumping from the room every time she walked in like she had expected to happen, he was passive aggressively talking to her through Delores.

That fucking mannequin.

She doesn’t know Five is even mad at her, because he won’t tell her. Apparently she’s just supposed to magically know exactly what pissed off the kid, which is incredibly difficult, because literally everything pisses him off. This instance in particular, she managed to piss the little shit off more than usual.

“What’s that Delores?” Five loudly said next to his… (wife? Girlfriend? Lover? Partner?) friend… from their place at the bar the moment Allison walked into the room. “You can’t stay here because it suddenly started smelling really bad? I agree, we should leave,” he said, picking up the doll and making his way to the door. She scoffed.

“Check your breath shit face, maybe it’s that,” Allison has officially lost her patience. Motherhood be damned, she was done dealing with this child. He was driving her up the wall, and she had had enough.

He walked out of the room, laughing at something Delores apparently said, but not before giving Allison a glare that would make a weak man piss his pants. She rolled her eyes and sat down on the couch, picking at something underneath her nail.

He wasn’t even being clever anymore. Just immature. And rude and disrespectful, and someone who desperately needed a stern talking to. Like, it was one thing to insult someone for bad life decisions, and falling in love with your adopted sibling, but just saying they smell? Seriously?

She continued to think of all the things he was doing that were annoying and bratty, until she looked over at the bar counter and realized Five had gotten distracted and left Delores on accident.

The mannequin seemed to be calling out to Allison, beckoning for her to come closer, and she couldn’t help but walk over and sit down next to the doll, grabbing the glass Five had been drinking from and taking a tentative sip.

“He sure is annoying, huh?” She said to Delores, looking down at the top half of a mannequin. Jesus Christ, she was talking to a MANNEQUIN.

“Well pardon me, he’s the one who called me smelly,” she said in response to Delores, who’s ever stagnant stare seemed to sharpen just a little bit. Allison gasped, setting the drink down and turning to properly face the doll.

“I DO NOT SMELL!” Delores’s painted on face remained unchanging, but the mannequin had just insulted Allison’s mother, and she was not happy about it.

“You know what Delores,” she said after taking a deep, calming breath. She smiled down at the doll, picking the drink back up and looking down at it. “You and Five are perfect for each other,” The mannequin, that was off balance on the stool, fell forward a bit.

“Yeah. Because you’re both little SHITS!”

~4~

She could not believe she was saying this, but a sleeping Five was almost cute. Almost. The little shit’s face was scrunched up like he was doing calculations in his brain, and she would have avoided him all together had he not just fallen dead asleep on the couch within 3 minutes of everyone else leaving. Seriously, what was up with them ditching her with him?

One of her shows was on TV, the volume turned down low as to not wake the nightmare sleeping on the couch next to her. And no, not one of her shows as in ‘a show that she likes and regularly watches’, more like ‘a show that she stars in’.

One of her favorite scenes was playing and she was softly smiling and looking at the TV, until she heard a noise from next to her. She turned to see if Five was awake and getting up, but he looked exactly the same as when she had last looked at him, except he was smiling, weirdly.

The noise came again and Allison realized it was her brother softly laughing in his sleep. The moment her expression showed that of confusion, he SPOKE. IN HIS SLEEP.

“Of course you… would be watching,” he said, his speech slurring off at the end for a moment before picking up again, “your own show and loving it,” he said, his words barely intelligible, as half of his mouth was pressed into his pillow.

“Well why shouldn’t I be confident in myself and find positivity in the things I helped create?” she asked, defending herself, not even for a minute hesitating because of the fact that he was supposed to be unconscious. He made a noise that Allison could only assume was a snicker, and continued.

“I didn’t realize… you were that,” he yawned, stopping for a few moments, “that self-absorbed,” he finished with a smile that wasn’t pleasant or nice, or made anyone feel good. It was a sneer, the type of smile that someone gave a dying spider.

“Listen here you little SHIT-“

“Allison!” Vanya whisper shouted from the doors, a blanket in hand, clearly for Five. She was glaring at the woman standing threateningly over the sleeping child on the couch, shouting profanities. In a rush to defend herself, she forgot how absolutely ridiculous the situation was.

“He was insulting me, he called me self-absorbed!” she complained, deciding at the last moment it was too childish to stomp her foot on the ground too. Vanya raised an eyebrow, a technique most likely gained from calling her students out on their bullshit who didn’t practice.

“He is asleep,” she said, like it was obvious. Which it was. But leave it to Five to somehow defy science to insult her. Behind her, the boy shifted in his sleep and let out a small whimper, like he was having a bit of a bad dream, and curled around himself a bit. The bastard.

“He sneered at me!” Allison pointed at the sleeping boy on the couch and ok, now she kind of realized how her argument might not come off as completely truthful.

“Just, go to bed or something,” Vanya said, defeated, but with a look in her eyes that said ‘I will not hesitate to use my powers on you if you don’t get your ass moving’.

As Allison left the room, passing right by Five, she saw a little smirk on his face.

The little shit.

~5~

Five, the little shit, had been kidnapped. Surprising to everyone, especially Five himself, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to teleport out or he wouldn’t be able to find it again, and he knew instantly that he had been taken by the same guy that took all of the other children.

There had been a series of serial kidnappings recently, all of 13 year old children. The man hadn’t believed Five when he said he was really 58, so he was stuck in a cage until Diego or Luther found him (he had no hope for Klaus, Allison or Vanya being his saviors)

But back to Allison, who’s motherly instincts were absolutely kicking in, and she was in panic mode. They had Five’s location, and her and Diego were literally on their way to get him, but she was freaking out. What if he was killed? What if wasn’t actually where the note said he was?

But when they pulled up to the old abandoned warehouse, and Allison saw a bloody finger on the ground, most likely bitten off of an old man, she knew Five was here. There wasn’t a car in sight so they assumed the kidnapper wasn’t there, but they were still careful.

They cautiously made their way down the stairs, knowing full well that any minute could be the minute that the man came back, so they spoke in whispers, barely talking because it just seemed like a stupid idea to be having a conversation at a normal volume, until they looked down a hallway and saw what looked like multiple rooms fashioned into cells. Each one had a single, large bed in it and Allison didn’t even want to think about what that meant.

Just as they saw Five, they heard the front door creak open upstairs, and knew it meant the kidnapper was back. Allison looked towards the stairwell in a panic, and when she looked back, Five, who had his mouth duct taped shut, was making weird symbols with his hands, that were duct taped together.

“What?” she asked eloquently, words not coming in her moment of panic. Both Diego and Five gave her looks that said ‘seriously?’ and ‘what part of ‘There’s a kidnapper inside’ doesn’t register in your brain to make you quiet?’.

“It’s sign language,” Diego said, sounding immensely disappointed that she didn’t know it. She shrugged, never having a reason to have studied it.

Out of all the random skills Five could have picked up, Allison was not expecting sign language to be one of them. It wasn’t a required skill by their dad (which now that she thinks about it, is really weird), so she doesn’t know how he managed to learn during the apocalypse.

“What is he saying?” She asked, looking back at the teen in the locked cell who look very angry, for no reason. Diego studied his hands for a moment, before speaking in the softest whisper she had ever heard.

“He said ‘took you shits long enough, I expected Hazel and Cha Cha before you guys’ ” Diego said, with every word looking more and more absolutely done with the little shit. Diego, who had been picking the lock, finally got it open just as the kidnapper had started making his way down the stairs.

He and Allison grabbed Five’s arms and he teleported them all back to the house, immediately attempting to rip the tape off his mouth, only to be stopped by his arms taped to his sides. He flapped his hands a little, trying to signal to the two adults to untie him.

Diego noticed and laughed as Allison saw that he was yet again signing. She gave her brother a confused look, and he translated.

“He said it was fitting that you wouldn’t know sing language, and said something that I am not repeating,” Diego informed her, ripping the tape off Five’s mouth as he walked away. The teen didn’t even FLINCH.

“You little shit,” she said in response, and Five rolled his eyes, until he felt himself wrapped in a hug. “I’m glad you’re safe,”

“Of course I’m fine, I’m not an invalid,” Jesus Christ what a shit.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you spot any mistakes, don't hesitate to tell me! The only time I write is 1 AM!


End file.
